Fashion Watch

In which I resist the temptation to make a chest-related joke

Yes, lack of posts. Yes, sorry. Yes, busy, blah, blah, blah, life etc.

Anyway, the Pirates of the Caribbean – Dead Man’s Chest, premiere.

I have been railing for some time about Jennifer Love Hewitt’s crazy dark, face covering, oft bee-hived hair. That will not change today. It will just be joined by annoyance at her crochet top and too long pants.

Michelle Tratchenberg seemed to be going for a bit too much to be a simple sundress, but too little to be a pirate wench. The result: meh.

Keira Knightley, who if I recall correctly wore a mid-riff baring frightening showcase of skinniness to the premiere of the original movie, this time went very bridal pirate wench, perhaps taking her part too literally. The consistency remained in the frightening show of skinniness though. Eat a sandwich Keira. Lovely hair and make-up though.

Of course, all looked fabulous when compared to the fact that Roseanne wore a track suit. That being said, I’ve seen people (and probably Roseanne herself), look far worse in a track suit than she does there.

I’m all for casual jeans with sneakers. But Christina Applegate needs to learn the same hard lesson I did: the long jeans that go with high heeled boots do not go with sneakers. Or a short dress, for that matter. And definitely not both at the same time.

Post-baby Tia Carrere was smokin’ in a simple smokey gown.

Diana Prince would not approve.

Cannes 2006

Slightly belated, the fashion highs and lows of the Cannes Film Festival 2006.

Best dressed: Cate Blanchett in Alexander McQueen, Penelope Cruz in white-yellow Dior and then red and blue strapless gowns, and Diane Kruger in Chanel Couture.

Worst dressed: Miranda Richardson, and Juliette Binoche. Two women in their forties who need some advice about shape and support desperately.

I thought Kristen Dunst’s Rochas gown was stunning, though the hairstyle really didn’t work. She’s got this long red hair, presumably for a film, and I think it could have been much better dealt with than that milk-maid style.

Hold the press. French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld wearing something other than black. That woman really needs to fix her hair.

Among those splitting the difference was Rosario Dawson, who looked fabulous in black and white at one event and not nearly so great in rubbery black at another. X-Men co-stars Anna Paquin - black sack for day, pretty one-shouldered blue for night - and Halle Berry - classy black strapless for day, overly globe-tastic flesh tones for night - did the same.

Their co-stars Famke Janssen and Rebecca Romijn stuck with paler colours and were more consistently well dressed.

Avril Lavigne is growing up and has the tiny frame to pull off those horizontal stripes by Armani as few could. Her hair’s a couple a shades too blonde though.

Kate Bosworth needs to eat a sandwich, stop slicking her hair back and step away from the red lipstick.

Michelle Yeoh looked stylish in gold, and then in white with a delicate floral pattern.

Julie Delpy’s red dress would have been perfect if only it came in a larger cup size, while pregnancy meant that Maggie Gyllenhaal’s penchant for bralessness now worked for her where previously (and I fear in the future) it was just a recipe for sag.

An international shopping inventory

I’m currently sitting on my bedroom floor with the contents of my unpacked bag all around me.

I’ve been back for five days, but this is the first opportunity I’ve had to unpack more than what needed to go straight into the washing machine without passing go or collecting $200.

But the truth is that I like to put the unpacking of my overseas purchases off a bit. First, I like to have the chance to lay them out and take stock of what I actually bought, and second, the longer I put off integrating them into my wardrobe, the more I feel like the holiday is still real. Of course, by writing this instead of cleaning out my closet and putting the new stuff in, I am further putting it off.

Anyway, I realised that I haven’t been on a big trip since I started writing here, so I haven’t mentioned how I shop when I’m overseas. First, I shop. It is not a holiday to me unless there is shopping (the one exception being sitting by the pool with cocktails and friends for days at a time, which is why I like Hawaii because I can combine them).

I take my large soft-sided heavy canvas surf bag (upgraded to one with wheels this trip) at least half empty and with my overnight bag packed flat inside it. The overnight bag is one that’s also in heavy canvas, and is exactly the same size as the size limit for carry-on baggage but is sturdy enough to go into the hold if necessary. I’ve also had it for 15 years, so it comes with no fancy extras like wheels or anything, which is why it’s perfect for lying flat in another bag. I pack allowing for shopping.

When I’m overseas I’m looking for two types of things. Things I can’t get at home and things that are much cheaper overseas. And sure, that means I’ve come back with a number of pairs of designer shoes which are always much cheaper overseas than here, but it also means that I can go shopping in the chain stores with glee. Because every mass produced J-Crew sweater and Zara jacket I buy is completely unavailable at home except via e-bay. So I get the fabulous combination of a varied and comparatively inexpensive wardrobe.

I usually also take a rough shopping list with me. The purpose of this list is not to limit me at all, but rather just to remind me to actually look for black pants in between buying cute shoes because I never do and thus am in desperate need of black pants.

This trip’s list was: black pants, bath robe, t-shirts, bras, sweaters, jackets, flat shoes, summer skirts for work. Told you it was rough. I managed to pick up everything on the list except a bathrobe, and that entry had only come from being envious of Claire Danes’s robes in Shop Girl rather than any actual need.

Now, just because shopping is central to any relaxation experience, I really only had four shopping days while I was away. First, I had scheduled Milan at the end of my Italian journey knowing I could shop there and then not have to drag my purchases all over the country, and second there were plenty of sights I wanted to see that did not involve shopping. So I took half a day at the outlet malls outside Florence (well, well worth the effort), a full day shopping in Milan, and two days shopping in London, which was really the whole purpose of stopping there in the first place.

And as a result of those four days, currently sitting on the floor in front of me are:

7 pairs of shoes (1 flat. Hey, I tried, but the only flat shoes I usually cope with are sneakers and flip flops)
7 sweaters/cardigans
1 pair of black pants (not my fault there aren’t the more that I need, there was far too much linen going on in the stores)
4 t-shirts
2 jackets
3 skirts
2 shirts
1 top that is not a sweater, a shirt or a t-shirt
4 bras (I love Gap Body bras and thus stock up whenever I go to the UK or US)
1 pair of knickers
2 cute night dresses
2 handbags
4 lipsticks (all available here but much cheaper duty free in Singapore, so one must stock up on favourite shades)
2 headbands
1 necklace
2 pairs of opaque tights (preparing for the coming return, and also flashing back. The last time I was in the UK was 1999, and I bought many pairs of black opaque tights from Boots chemist, and the fact that they were coming back into fashion again and I could go into Boots and buy them amused me)

Of course most of it is for summer, while here we’re currently in winter, but that’s always the nature of southern hemisphere living and northern hemisphere shopping. Though I did buy a couple of cashmere sweaters at the Prada outlet that can be employed immediately (restraining myself from mentioned “Prada” and “cashmere” in the same sentence as much as possible). And for summer I’m now all prepared.

Besides, the sales are on here at the moment, so chances are I’ll continue the spending spree (the major problem of coming back from overseas spending: I’ve saved from the overseas spending, I haven’t saved for the spending that almost inevitably continues when I get home) on some winter clothes.

And to give you an idea of the spread, the list of brands I came back with were: Prada, L. K. Bennett, TopShop, Balenciaga, Zara, Sisley, Bobbi Brown, Stefanel, YSL Rive Gauche, Carvela, Furla, H&M, Miu Miu, Muji, Gap, SW6, Stila.

And as soon as I pay off the credit card, there’s no doubt I’ll be planning the next shopping trip.

See, this is what happens when leggings come back into fashion

Apparently the cold has gone to their heads.

This morning on my (slightly late) way to work, I encountered a one-two punch of awful employment of “what is fashionable now”.

Among the things that are fashionable now, for explicable and inexplicable reasons, are shorts, leggings, cropped jackets and ballet flats. Some of these things go together. Not all of them. Not usually anyway.

But there I am this morning, standing, freezing in the same parka and jeans I have been wearing all week because I am yet to either release my work clothes from the bonds of the corner of the closet where I shoved them to allow my house-sitter to hang up her stuff or my new clothes from my bag, when I am joined at the tram stop by a 20-something woman.

Keeping in mind that it was 7 degrees at the time, this is what she was wearing:

• Lovely brown suede ballet flats

• Cute black cropped jacket, buttoned all the way up but really not enough of a coat for the weather

• Knee-length medium-brown checked Bermuda shorts

• Black leggings under the shorts that reached the bottom of her calves and left a big space of exposed flesh between there and the top of her shoes

I was still recovering from that when a girl in too much make-up of the kind only worn by beauty school students and the girls behind the Clinique counter, sat down beside me wearing:

• A cropped black jacket done up all the way and almost coat-like enough for the weather

• Grey Capri pants

• White, almost patent, ballet flats

• White sports ankle socks that reached well above the edges of the shoes and finished just below the ankle leaving a large gap of exposed flesh and looking just, well, wrong

It also didn’t help that she was clearly studying for her beauty school exams and every time I glanced in that direction I was assailed by giant pictures of nail disease and foot fungi that were in her pedicure revision notes.

Zara, Prada, Balenciaga...

Zara, Prada, Balenciaga. Just a short summary of my Italian shopping experiences (sure, one’s Spanish and one’s French, but we’ll just ignore that).

7 pairs of shoes.

7 sweaters.

Many other things.

I’m still jet lagged (or at least excessively tired, I’m not sure which), and trying to cope with the return to work, but I will return shortly with shopping tales of Italy and London, and of the strange southern Italian obsession with garish sequined t-shirts and garish embroidered cowboy boots worn with cropped pants.